All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
