Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
