Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
