You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
