so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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