You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
