i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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