dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
