his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
