as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
as a side note pls kill me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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