Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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