The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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