Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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