The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
