He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
