I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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