she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
