last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
