im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
