Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
