don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
