i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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