I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
