I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
