My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just threw up on my dentist
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
