So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
