I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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