I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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