The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
