omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
