Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
