Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
