I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
