Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
