she smelled like a LAN party
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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