Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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