Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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