Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
