i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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