she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
