Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My cat gives me a boner
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
