4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
