i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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