your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
accomplished twins. life is a go
there was a trapeze. enough said
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
