when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
