Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
