so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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