I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
