yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
