If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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