Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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